“

The way I see it, you’re like Ferrero Rocher. Your crunchy bits have fallen off and the wafer shell is broken, but inside you’re still delicious and yummy.

And most importantly at your core, you’re a nut.

”

BD

When will we learn?

They say once bitten twice shy, in truth we often make the same mistakes. Apparently some things we just have to learn over and over and over again, and some things we don’t learn at all, and some other things we only learn when it gets too painful not to.

“Passion makes babies, my friend.”

BD, on the perils of passion.

I'm lovin' it.

BD:
I got a joke to tell you too! Why did Da Ming's father and Xiao Ming's father hold hands in McDonald's? Quick, answer the riddle!

V:
Hmm... Ba ba ba ba ba~

BD:
That doesn't even make any sense.

V:
Yea I know. Hahaha. So what is it?

BD:
Papa la papa.

One of a kind

Z:
Will you do me a favor?

V:
?

Z:
Tell me a joke.

V:
I suck at jokes.

Z:
Okay, I'll tell you one. A son brought home a robot that is a lie detector. Son says, "I've done my homework." Robot slaps son. Father says, "Shame on you! When I was a boy, I never failed to do my homework." Robot slaps father. Mother laughed out loud, "He's your son after all!" Robot slaps mother. The end.

V:
Lol. Why do you always do that?

Z:
Because I miss you, very much.

The Blind Assassin

Reprimanded Clarabelle last evening for throwing tantrums, and left her alone to calm down. A little later the door to my room creaked open and she peered in.

Clarabelle: Da gu…
Me: What do you want?

She walked in hesitantly.

Clarabelle: I don’t know what I want.
Me: … *melts*

I scooped her up, gave her a long hug and asked if she felt better. She said yes, hopped off, and went to take her dinner and shower.

That little moment reminded me of a story I read years back.

Mother might be resting, or doing good deeds elsewhere, but Reenie was always there. She’d scoop us up and sit us on the white enamel kitchen table, alongside the pie dough she was rolling out or the chicken she was cutting up or the fish she was gutting, and give us a lump of brown sugar to get us to close our mouths. Tell me where it hurts, she’d say. Stop howling. Just calm down and show me where.

But some people can’t tell where it hurts. They can’t calm down. They can’t ever stop howling.

The Sexless Innkeeper

“Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked “Where do you live?” and she said “One block south”. I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn’t too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper… and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper.”

- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother

“Life is short, even for those who live a long time, and we must live for the few who know and appreciate us, who judge and absolve us, and for whom we have the same affection and indulgence. The rest I look upon as a mere crowd, lively or sad, loyal or corrupt, from whom there is nothing to be expected but fleeting emotions, either pleasant or unpleasant, which leave no trace behind them. We ought to hate very rarely, as it is too fatiguing; remain indifferent to a great deal, forgive often and never forget.”

Sarah Bernhardt